I Hate Slash Love You
by ronXbouillabase
Summary: C/B drabbles. Chapter 3 up!
1. Chapter 1

**Sexually Charged Batteries**

**A/N: AU. C/B. After 1x11--school….**

**Disclaimer: All The CW's/Cecily Von Zieglesar's.**

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**Library. Before School. January 2nd.2008.**

"I'll allow you one talk," she said scornfully, casting her eyes down. "I think that's very generous of me, considering the circumstances."

"Oh, very generous," he agreed sweetly, and it pissed her off massively.

"There's no need to be sarcastic, Basshole, I get your point, you don't think I'm being generous!"

"Saint Blair. Keeper of the peace--"

"Bass--"

"Charity center of social outcasts--"

"_Bass_--"

"Place of sanctity for us poor mortals....how could I _not_ think of you as generous--"

With difficulty, Blair resisted the urge to kick him in the reproductive area, and managed a gruesome smile. "Please, sit down."

"Well, first and foremost, allow me to congratulate you!"

Blair stared at him blankly.

"On hooking up with Archibald before Christmas break," he clarified. "I mean, when I told him to seal the deal, he really _nailed_ it--"

"Look, if you're not going to be civilized, I'm going!"

"Yes, why aren't you on the steps of the Met with your brainless bunch of Barbie dolls?"

"I had some schoolwork to do."

Chuck glanced at the empty desk in front of her. "Clearly"

"Look, Bass, if you want to verbally spar with me, now is not the time--"

"Aw, what happened to 'Chuck'?"

Blair pushed stray hair out of her increasingly-reddening face. "Fine. Chuck. Look. I need to catch up with Nate--"

"Oh, we both know Nate is in the South of France, yachting with Grandpa Vanderbilt. Good try, though, Blair. I really must commend you on your effort. However, in all fairness, you did sound like a seven-year-old after trying her first drugs--"

"Fine, I didn't want to catch up with Nate! I just want to get away from you!"

"Why the rush?"

Blair set her mouth in firmer lines, gripping her tote bag like it was her gun in war. "You're perverted--"

"Don't pretend like you didn't enjoy every minute of it."

"--Manipulative--"

"As are you."

"Sarcastic--"

"Okay, that was just pathetic."

"Rude, obnoxious, arrogant, egotistical!"

"Some of my most endearing traits. You forgot to mention my insane good looks."

"See? Right there--that's your ugly egotism rearing its ugly head again!"

"You said 'ugly' twice, Waldorf, not up to your usual levels. That means either you overdosed on something this morning, or you're falling for the undeniable charms of Charles Bass, esquire."

Blair gave an extremely unladylike snort of disdain. " 'Esquire'?"

"It's called dramatic effect, Waldorf."

"Really? Because I call it blockheaded stupidity."

"Now, that's more like it!"

"You sicken me!"

"You turn me on."

"Nelly Yuki turns you on, Bass, so one could say you have low standards."

"One could say that….or one could say that tortoiseshell-rimmed glasses are sexy."

"_Shut up_!"

"My wish is your command."

"I though it was the other way around, Aladdin!"

"What I meant was, my wish is to screw you, and soon you'll be commanding me to screw you, Princess Jasmine."

Blair gritted her teeth. "Oops, I remembered, I have an important English essay to write."

"What's it about?"

"Zeus? The King of the Gods."

"Oh, good, so it's about me."

"I'M LEAVING!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2. Of Texts and Tests**

**Disclaimer: All The CW's/Cecily Von Zieglesar's.**

**

* * *

ledumbblonde is Serena.**

**waldorfastoria is Blair.**

**playboy_17 is Chuck.**

**(Just to clarify....)**

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**'ledumbblonde' has just joined chatroom**

**waldorfastoria:** Hey S

**ledumbblonde:** Hey B.

**waldorfastoria:** U + Downer Dan r havin a date Satrdy nite?

**ledumbblonde:** ::nods::

**waldorfastoria:** : (

**ledumbblonde:** STFU : D

**waldorastoria:** did u hear bout Iz?

**ledumbblonde**: wat happened

**waldorfastoria:** hr mom got kidnappd

**ledumbblonde:** WAT?

**waldorfastoria:** JK. nthn goin on. wan 2 come over?

**ledumbblonde:** cant. got grounded from th prank at skool.

**waldorfastoria:** LOLZ I no Mr. Lundser's face....priceless

**'playboy_17' has just joined chatroom**

**'waldorfastoria' is typing....**

**waldorfastoria:** GET OUT OF HERE, BASS!

**playboy_17:** Aw 2 scared 2 fight?

**waldorfastoria:** No, 2 pissed!

**playboy_17:** Hey S. Did B tell u? She lovess me and shes setttin up our nite out.

**'waldorfastoria' is typing....**

**'ledumbblonde' is typing....**

**waldorfastoria:** how much u wan 2 bet ur typing this from a whorehouse?

**ledumbblonde:** U wish. Ass.

**playboy_17:** Whorehouses don't have modems.

**waldorfastoria:** Haha.

**playboy_17:** I knew you'd laugh.

**waldorfastoria:** Ever heard of sarcasm?

**'playboy_17' is typing....**

**'ledumbblonde' is typing----**

**playboy_17:** No i havnt. May-b u can xplain it 2 me....in my bedroom....with the door locked so I can concentrate.

**ledumbblonde:** B, just let it be!

**waldorfastoria:** I cant. C, shove ur ass in 2 a garbage chute.

**'playboy_17' is typing....**

**playboy_17:** can u b the one 2 push?

**ledumbblonde:** C, shut up!!!!

**playboy_17:** S, would u do me z honor f bein B's maid of honor?

**ledumbblonde:** At her wedding 2 Nate? Sure!

**'waldorfastoria' is typing....**

**waldorfastoria:** C, go play w/girls.

**playboy_17:** Ur the volleyball, im the net....

**waldorfastoria:** Chuck Bass!

**playboy_17:** u no u love me.

**ledumbblonde:** i hav 2 go.

**playboy_17:** awwww just when things were heating up....

**waldorfastoria:** NO S I NEED REINFORCEMENTS!

**ledumbblonde:** im rlly sry. C, if u want heat go 2 an oven.

**playboy_17:** And Blair's the cookies.....

**'ledumbblonde' has signed off.**

**playboy_17:** B?

**waldorfastoria:** WAT?

**playboy_17:** whereeez N?

**waldorfastoria:** Ha-ha. With Vanderbilts....remember? Take a walk down Memory Lane?

**playboy_17:** how about a drive in Memory Limo?

**waldorfastoria:** U think ur so hot!

**playboy_17:** Like fire, baby.

**waldorfastoria:** U perve!

**playboy_17:** I like em feisty.

**waldorfastoria:** GAH!

**playboy_17:** i think that was a scream of wanting.

**waldorfastoria:** u wish!

**playboy_17:** yeah....i really wish....

**waldorfastoria' has signed off.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3. Sing a Song of Shallow Singsongery

A/N: I was totally surprised and flattered with the twenty-one reviews! In real life I am not a funny person at all, and I hope this C/B lightheartedness streak lasts long enough. The chapters may get progressively worse as it goes on. My funny C/B is written in a burst of inspiration, so it's hard to recreate that. As some of you might know I am very, very gloomy C/.B usually.

The easy thing to writing Chuck and Blair banter is that it's like playing tennis or pingpong. Blair gives a stereotypical insult, which Chuck then turns into a compliment or an insult of her. And it is so much fun to write….

This story isn't AU anymore, but it should work.

Disclaimer: All The CW's/Cecily Von Zieglesar's.

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**The Constance Billiard/Saint Jude's Annual School Excursion, a.k.a. Time To Get Biz-zay Behind a Tree or Bush**

Blair Waldorf is cold. And when Blair Waldorf is cold, she is also angry.

"What idiot came up with the idea of having a 'school picnic' in mid-January?" she snapped, rubbing her hands together. This was directed at Serena; alas, that lovely lady had opted to share the company of one Daniel Humphrey behind an ample green bush.

"I believe the correct term is 'school excursion'," whispered an annoyingly smooth voice, somewhat closer to her ear than she would ever have wanted.

"Charles Bass. You are breathing on my ear!"

"And you're loving it."

Blair snorted disdainfully. "Just because Nate isn't back yet doesn't mean you get to fool around with me…."

She didn't have to turn around to know he was raising his eyebrows scornfully.

"Is that an invitation, Waldorf?"

"Not really!" She dug her elbow into his chest, and he stepped back.

"Excuse me, Blair, I had no idea you enjoyed personal space so much."

"Well, now you know, so you can stay away!"

"The question is….can you?"

Her eyebrows furrowed deeper. "This is not funny, Bass!"

"Looking at it objectively, I kind of enjoy the intellectual repartee."

"Oh, wow, look at you, throwing around fancy words. You're guaranteed to be accepted to Harvard."

"I am in fact guaranteed to be accepted at Harvard, which is a combination of my father's money and my ability to seduce the dean's niece."

"100 percent the former and none the latter!"

"Well, then, maybe you could be a good friend and help me to regain my skills."

"You insufferable monkey!"

"Ouch. The plus side is I can swat you with my tail…."

"I'd really love that," she snapped scathingly.

"Oh yes, I bet you would. Any girl would."

Blair stomped off. Chuck scooped up snow in his palm and discreetly lobbed a snowball at the back of her head. It hit.

"BAAAAAAASSSSSS!" She whipped around, and stalked back over to him. "That was immature!"

"Yes, it was, but I'd love to take the journey with you into maturity."

"When are you going to stop?"

"Stop--what? My mad seduction skills? Looking insanely hot? Being insanely rich--"

"Stop being so disgusting and insufferable!"

"Well, I know I'm getting somewhere when you start complaining."

"Yes, you are. Getting _out_. Get out!"

"I am outside, but inside _is_ more _comfortable_--"

"We are over!"

"Well, we were never really together."

"Exactly!"

"So…."

"So, why are you chasing it--I mean, me?"

"Chasing _it_?" Blair's slipup was fair game. "Chasing _it_--wow, Waldorf, I really must be getting to your head."

"I mean, _me_! Why are you chasing me?"

Chuck fell silent. "Oh, look, there's Farkas," he said, in a voice that was supposed to sound seductive, but fell somewhat short. He walked over to her.

Blair shook her head. It was certainly flattering, all this attention from Chuck, and superficially, it was annoying.

Then she smacked herself on the head, mentally and physically. It wasn't _superficially_ annoying--it was annoying all the time! He had manifested none of the serious feelings she had seen before Thanksgvining, and at the Cotillion. He had just been seriously annoying, like a seven-year-old. Except far wittier than a seven-year-old.

He was so hard to analyze, and so unpredictable, and it was really pissing her off. Where was Nate when you needed him?


End file.
